What Makes People Tick?
By Laureen Ricks, University of Florida
November 15, 2002

What if I told you there are keys to unlocking a person's heart, to having people understand you, to winning arguments, to having people like you? Would you be interested?

Unless your gold membership card to the human being species has expired, I gather you would be enthusiastic to learn these skills. Dealing with people is the biggest problem we face. According to psychologist Mary Jo Meadow, we deeply desire to get along with other people and avoid unnecessary conflict. Yet, most of the time we find ourselves mired in conflict with those we see every day.

Perhaps you've heard of that small, multi-million best seller How to Win Friends and Influence People. But you never picked it up to read, assuming it is an ancient manuscript for elderly business folk. I admit that this book is from 1936 and written in the style and lingo of that era and also contains many references to old timers such as Jesse James, John D. Rockefeller and Al Capone.

However, the principles contained in Dale Carnegie's book have proven to be universal, even to post-politically aged youth who "already know how to handle conflict." How to Win Friends and Influence People reads almost like a course in human nature and psychology. Its principles are based on understanding people: our deepest needs and desires; our fulfillment of each others' needs; our reactions, whether positive or negative, to certain actions.

For example, Carnegie writes (Surprise) that we all dread being criticized, yet "thirst for praise"; we enjoy talking about what interests us; we all love the sound of our name; we all hate to take orders. Another of his assumptions about human nature is a foundation behind many of his principles: our greatest urge is the desire to be important.

By exploring the ways in which people tick, he developed strategies on how to best "handle other people," especially when we don't agree with them. Carnegie lists 31 strategies, each belonging to one of four categories: "Fundamental Techniques in Handling People," "Six Ways to Make People Like You," "How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking " and "Be a Leader: How to Change People without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment."

His book, one of the most celebrated examples of motivational and human relations writing, contains simple suggestions. For example, because we all hate to be criticized, Carnegie writes as a first rule: "Don't criticize, condemn or complain." Because we all love the sound of our name, Carnegie continually emphasizes remembering that the name of a person is a step in gaining his or her friendship. Because our deepest desire is to be great, Carnegie writes that the big secret of dealing with people is making them feel important, giving honest and sincere appreciation and encouraging others to talk about themselves.

This is a book that declares war on our natural tendencies. For example, to win an argument, we avoid it. The text also gives this advice: be a good listener and let the other person do a lot of the talking. How about this one: admit to being wrong and do so quickly and sincerely.

What seems to be the most obvious advice ever spouted out in a basic Ms. Manner's course happens to be habits that we habitually fail to use. Reading this book awakens frustrating memories of how often we are aggressively disobedient to these principles. For instance, in the "how to make people like you" section, one of the principles is to "smile." How obvious, how plain, how miraculous! This advice works but seldom do we practice it.

This is one of those books that you write in its margins and fold the corners. If angry about a principle you break, you can even throw it down. But it is not a book for idle reading. It is best regarded as a living workshop. You not only gain new information, but also form new habits. Use the principles in this book and watch how dramatically your relationships, whether with an acquaintance or a close family member, change.
In fact, I challenge you. Check out the book from your local library, use the principles like crazy for a week and then send in your result to Role Models Today. If your troublesome relationships have not improved, then I will, ummh...uhhh...never mind. Just read the book and use the principles (SMILE).

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