To Live and Laugh and Learn
By Lindsey Sikes, 12th grade, August 18, 2004

**RMT Writing Contest Winner**

Sometimes, it’s hard for me to figure out what I want out of life. It’s like someone pushed me into an ice cream shop and told me to choose just one flavor. So maybe when you were five your favorite flavor of ice cream was vanilla, but what happens when you’re fifteen or fifty-five? It changes as you do.

It was so easy being a kid. When I wanted something, I could have it just by simply screaming and crying, though I didn’t. But the point is that I could have my way. Just about everything I wanted was within reach and attainable. That stuffed animal in my crib was at my beck and call. The bottle of milk by the changing table was only a squeal away. I was the queen of the world and my parents were the ultimate slaves.

Getting older, things were slowly becoming confusing. It wasn’t just about food and comfort anymore. I was interacting with other kids and doing things like cutting and pasting. The hard part was getting people to hang around with me. I was a fluffy butterball of a girl with chubby cheeks and crooked teeth. My two front teeth were so crooked that you could use me for a human compass back then. I got made fun of a lot because, when you’re a kid, you base everything upon what you see and what’s obvious. I was obviously just not the type of girl you could hang out with during elementary school.

It was a hard life as a semi-hermit. There was this dormant part of my spirit that felt squelched and suffocated by my will to stay quiet. In fifth grade I decided to run for student government. I didn’t win. I was simply shucked off as an imposter and cast aside. Right then, all I wanted was for my peers to look past my appearances. I wanted friends to care about me, for teachers to respect my opinions and for my parents to be proud of more than just my grades. I was asking for too much.

I made it into middle school with only a couple cuts and bruises, but as soon as I entered into the world of sixth grade, I desperately reached back for my past. Middle school was the next step up in the world of Chaos, and I wasn’t ready for it. Most of my teachers were psychos, and the student body was thrust into a new menu of poisons for the drinking. Drugs, sex and violence came standard, but for an additional fee, you could have all the heartbreak of relationships, the drama of friendships and the stress of academics. Roll all of that into one package and the results were dangerous. They were dangerous to everything I stood for because I was a Christian. In addition to all of the previously mentioned insanity, I had to deal with the fact that I was not attractive. All I wanted was to be pretty.

I got into high school and things became easier by the truck load. I had lost weight, gained friends, gained boyfriends and was pretty well liked. But I struggled with my religion, which was Southern Baptist at the time. I struggled with my Christianity and felt myself coming up short every time. My religion was making me squeeze myself into a little box that was only a perfect fit for me in the past. But I started to see who I really was. All I wanted was freedom, so I left the church without goodbyes.

As I senior, I’m looking back now and laughing at myself. It’s one of those triumphant laughs, like I’ve been through the gauntlet and have come out victorious. In many ways, I have become victorious. I’ve been through so much and when I look in the mirror, I see how much stronger I am because of it. I’ll be graduating in a few days and heading up to the next level. It’s hard to know what I want out of life now.

I guess that all I want is to go through this next part of my life and learn even more about who I am, and maybe I’ll be able to look back and laugh some more. To live and laugh and learn: that’s all I want.