The blame game is a typical device used in the battle of the sexes. When Ms. Female and Mr. Male fight with each other they are likely to make negative comments about the whole opposite gender.
"Men are irksome, irritating and infuriating," says Ms. Female.
"As far as the east is from the west, so are women and my ability to figure out them," says Mr. Male. "I will never understand them."

Males and females are different. This is not a new idea. No matter how old you are, you have probably been baffled, confused and frustrated in your attempts to interact with the opposite sex. However, in You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, linguist Debra Tanner attempts to demystify the myths and stereotypes surrounding male and female relationships.

According to Tannen, men and women are raised in different cultures, and therefore, have difficulty in communicating with the opposite sex. Her book delves into how we differ, why we differ, and how we can overcome our differences in communicating so that we can have healthier and better relationships with each other. She explores how the different worlds we live in compel us to use different words and styles.

She investigates many intriguing dynamics and questions: Why do women tend to be quieter in public arenas, such as meetings and classrooms but dominate the talk in small groups and at home? Why do men tend to give a lecture when asked a "yes" or "no" question? Why do men hate to ask for directions? Among other topics, Tannen surveys interruptions, body language, gossip and conversation dominance in the speech between men and women. She also deals with issues of dominance, control and power structures involved in male and female interaction.

According to Tannen, few misunderstandings and sparks fly when males talk to males and females talk to females. The reason is we understand the world and language of our gender. However, males and females perceive the world differently. Guys tend to see themselves in a hierarchal pattern. They live in a social order or chain of command; therefore, life is a contest, and conversations are negotiations for status. They are trying to preserve their independence. Women, however, tend to see themselves in a community and seek intimacy and understanding. Therefore, conversations are negotiations for support and consensus. These concepts, writes Tannen, are at the heart of the misunderstandings and miscommunications that take place between men and women.

For example, a female might consult with someone before making a major decision. Consulting is a sign of intimacy and respect. Tannen gives the example of a woman who was frustrated when her husband did not consult with her before making plans for the weekend with his friends. "I shouldn't have to get permission from my wife," complained the man. He felt that would be giving away some of his freedom. His wife felt that his lack of communication with her was a sign of lack of intimacy, and she felt threatened.

Another common problem is how each gender deals with their problem. Females discuss their problems, not in search of an answer but in search of understanding and empathy. Other women recognize this fact and are quick to support and sympathize with their female friends. Men, however, can be irritated at what seems like women complaining and not doing anything about their situation. Men are also frustrated when their attempts at solving the problem bring resentment from women. Men tend to want to solve the problems, but the woman wants to receive understanding.

These are just a few of the numerous examples in Tannen's book where both genders interpret the same circumstance differently. Tannen writes that understanding the gender differences helps people not to take difficulty in communicating personally and not to place blame on the entire opposite gender. Understanding these differences will help women and men adjust and adapt to each other's styles.

Tannen's book is geared towards a mature audience, i.e., married folks and those in serious relationships. But the ideas in it are useful for anyone who has at least a bare minimum of contact with the opposite gender and wants to reduce the opportunities for mishaps and unnecessary conflict. She has done extensive research, and her book is filled with recorded conversations between men and women and between same-sex speakers. These dialogues range from preschoolers to high schoolers to middle-aged adults.

This book is insightful, shedding light onto a befuddling topic. It also takes into account the uniqueness of all individuals and different communication styles according to race, age, class, profession, personality, etc. Not only is this book a comprehensive guide to understanding disparities between the sexes, but it is also very funny. It is amusing to read the dialogues between males and females and see the same misunderstandings that you have experienced.

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