Electrifying Election Mumbo-Jumbo By Brian Davis In this age of Internet access and cable television, it’s no surprise that the 2000 Presidential campaign resembles a giant series of commercials - pushing candidates, marketing parties, and, of course, selling merchandise.

For only $7.00, you can get a set of twelve limited-edition Al Gore Trading Cards at www.goregear.com. You can also buy a Gore watch, Gore cuff-links, Gore tie slide, Gore money clip or Gore mouse pad. But to get top quality, union-made and union-embroidered clothes, only www.goregoods.com will do.

Not to be outdone, the official George W. Bush Internet store offers visitors the opportunity “to experience a watershed moment in American history” by toasting the future President with a glass of George W. Bush Premium Bottled Water (made in America’s heartland, in bluegrass Kentucky). Only $37.40 for a case of twenty-four, not including shipping and handling.

It’s all a giant infomercial, full of sound bytes and furious rhetoric, signifying nothing in particular (except, perhaps, that the Other Candidate is Bad, and Elect Me, Not Him). Jabs at the opponent have become the preoccupation of the day. No mere mud-slinging! This is the art of dismissing the opponent’s proposals and moral integrity with a single, eminently quotable phrase. As George W. intoned no less than three times in his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, “This administration had its chance. They have not led. We will.”

Attacking Bush for his “risky education scheme” and “risky retirement scheme,” Gore, too, has his mantras, and not just at Buddhist temples. But even Bush has grasped these empty repetitions as a chance to make fun of Gore, invoking the moon launch as a “risky rocket scheme” and Edison’s invention of the light bulb as a “risky anti-candle scheme.”

Perhaps their most atrocious practice is pretending to be just like the rest of us. “But I come from a different place and it has made me a different leader,” George W. declared, attempting to style himself as a political outsider and ordinary American (never mind that his father was the 41st President, the US Ambassador to the United Nations before that, and the head of the CIA before that). “In Midland, Texas, where I grew up, the town motto was, ‘the sky’s the limit,’ and we believed it” (never mind that he was born on the East Coast, in New Haven, Connecticut, and educated at Philips Academy and Yale University). “There was a restless energy, a basic conviction that with hard work, anybody could succeed and everybody deserved a chance.” (Of course, coming from the right family and owning a bunch of oil fields never hurt anyone either.)

Gore is no better: “Will we stand up for the people, or serve the powerful? Will we rise up and demand that America’s leaders put the American people first?” If the current Vice President doesn’t count as one of America’s leaders, then who does?

With a few substantive differences on domestic policies and foreign affairs, politics has almost inevitable dwindled down to personality differences. Would we prefer a more folksy sort of guy like George W., even if he can’t remember a few heads of state? Or do we want Al Gore, unsavory Buddhist temples lurking in the background and all?

So who cares whether people are being killed in the Molucca Islands? (Where are the Molucca Islands?) And why should welfare reform matter when you can get your own George W. Bush Director’s Chair delivered to your doorstep via UPS?

For the ultimate thrill, visit www.gorealltheway.com to purchase a “Looking Gore-geous in 2000” baseball cap. But hurry online because it’s a limited edition. Accept no substitutes!

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